I want to live my next life backwards…. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
After you get kicked out for being too healthy, you enjoy your retirement and collect your pension every week.
Then you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work for about 40 years until you're too young to work.
When you hit high school you drink a stack of alcohol, you party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play most of the time and you have no responsibilities.
Next you become a baby, and then you spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap - and then, finally…. You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

• March 2007
Author unknown
Nutrition and Health

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
FACTS
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION - Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

• March 2006
Author unknown
Ride Far and Live Long

How many times has some do-gooder warned you against your motorcycle in the interest of your health? Do you politely stand there while a well-intentioned Samaritan regales you with horror stories of a relative of a friend of a friend who went down two days after he bought his bike? I used to dryly inform such self-appointed nice guys that, since most People die in their own beds, to avoid that horrible fate, it would be best to start sleeping on the floor. Now I no longer go head to head with sufferers of moto-phobia. I just tell them now that biking is conducive to a long, healthy and happy life. Here's how this came about:

During my recent trip to India I came across a new motorcycle magazine called BIKE India which, surprisingly, boasts some really well- researched articles by some top internationally-recognized and local writers. It seems that the family of Adil Jal Darukhanawala, the Editor of BIKE India, still owns the oldest continuously-run motorcycle dealership in the world (!), which today sells Indian-built Yamahas (called TVS Yamaha) in the university town of Pune, Maharashtra State. Adil is one of the most pro-moto two-wheel visionaries you'll ever meet.

Anyway, the January '06 issue of BIKE India carries a tightly- researched article entitled "One More Reason to Bike: It's Good for Your Health!" This article has the hard facts on things that you and I always suspected to be true but had, until now, had no way of proving. The bit of scientific investigation came about when the good folks at Motorcycle Consumer News set out to find Britain's oldest biker. To the delight of the MCN research team, they found that every single aging rider they talked to credited motorcycling as his or her key to longevity and health. Forging ahead, MCN enlisted the help of students of King's College of London University Hospital to research why those older riders love motorcycling so much. Here's what they found:

The Brain: Biking is joyous and is therefore is a natural an anti-depressant. The brain responds to the thrilling sensations of balance combined with forward motion by producing endorphins that prevent depression. Since depression leads to illness, biking is an antidote to disease through prevention of melancholia.

The Lungs: Buses, trains and especially airplanes are confining metal tubes in which passengers are forced to breathe virus-saturated second hand air making for an unsafe travel environment. Bikes on the other hand put you in the wind, a known purifier that is conducive to health by sending fresh oxygen throughout the lungs.

The Heart: The next time a self-styled saint tries to get you safely buckled into some overbuilt SUV, ask him what he thinks the effect of traffic jams and road rage have on the heart. Highway-related anxiety causes a release in hormones that actually increase blood pressure, leading to dangerous levels of stress. Gridlock causes tension, but lane-splitting brings on euphoria. Bye by cars, bye by heart disease.

Circulation: The frequent changes in bodily temperature experienced by motorcyclists stimulate blood circulation, which protects against circulatory problems such as varicose veins and hardening of the arteries. Sitting in some cushy "luxury" car all day in rush hour commute is an excellent way to shut down circulation in the extremities, a known cause of blood clots. Remember that ambulances and hearses are also highly-equipped luxury vehicles.

The Back: Yup, the leaning, turning and twisting that a biker does is downright good exercise that keeps the spine limber. Padded car seats on the other hand are terrible for the back.

Burning of Fat: The excitement of the ride which puts the senses on high alert and actually burns calories. The more extreme the ride, the better the results will be (as long as the motorcyclist rides within his limits!) OK, some riders like me are overweight, but, hey, if it weren't for my bike, I probably wouldn't pass the bus driver's minimal fitness exam!

Leg Muscles: The study concluded that jockeying a hefty motorcycle into a narrow parking spot is the equivalent of a five minute work out on a rowing machine.

Not satisfied with the results of their research, the intrepid MCN team went on to explore the mammoth British Medical Library. There they discovered a pro-moto university thesis entitled "Motorcycle and Adolescents" by French rider and now psychiatrist JP Rabeau. Regarding young riders, this is how the good doctor of the mind wrapped up his research, "Their bikes' physical nature is often beneficial, rather than a dangerous expression of an unconscious death wishes in the Freudian sense."

Remember all those titbits of wisdom that your mother used to tirelessly nag you with? "Do's" like "eat your veggies" or "take your vitamins" or "wash your hands"? Now you can confidentially add to Mom's list when you tell your own kids: DON'T FORGET TO RIDE YOUR MOTORCYCLE AT LEAST ONE HOUR DAILY! IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"